An All Too Real Parody or And Now a Change of Pace

Daniel the Destroyer AKA King Daniel the 1st, model corination of the self-styled monarch was an event for the history books—mostly because it marked the point where history itself took a sharp nosedive into absurdity. The former democracy had, in a fit of mass confusion, elected him again. He wasted no time declaring that elections were overrated and would not be needed again. Ever.

His 1st decree was to rename the Constitution the Danielstitution, which he claimed was much better, as it had his name in it. His second decree was to declare himself the most successful, beloved, and handsome leader in the nation’s history.

This was met with frantic applause by his assembled advisors, whose job security depended on their ability to clap 1st, loudest, and longest. On that day over 1,500 non and soft-clappers were given 12 minutes to clear out their offices and begone from a government paycheck; all accomplished with mass emails to the offenders.

Daniel the Destroyer’s party, once a bastion of conservative principles (or so they claimed in their campaign ads), transformed overnight into a collection of terrified nodding heads. Senator Wilbur Figg, previously known for his stern lectures on the sanctity of the Constitution, now routinely kissed Daniel’s ring and praised his divine wisdom. “A king is what we always needed,” Figg declared, eyes darting around for approval. “Elections are inefficient! Voting is a scam! Checks and balances? Overrated!”

The opposition, meanwhile, opted for their traditional response: cowering in despair, issuing strongly worded statements, and hosting panels on news networks lamenting the loss of democracy. They vowed to fight back but never quite got around to it, settling instead for writing books with titles like How We Could Have Stopped Him, But Didn’t, Didn’t We Revolt to rid ourselves of regal rule? And How Dare You Make Fun of Me.

Daniel the Destroyer’s Cabinet of the Unhinged consisted of a special collection of individuals who could best be described as ‘concerning’ on a good day. His Secretary of Healthcare, Dr. Marla Bentwhistle, was convinced that vaccines were a plot by the Lizard Illuminati. When pressed on this in a public forum, she nodded solemnly. “The polio vaccine was the start of it all,” she whispered dramatically. “Polio? Ever met anyone with it? No? Because they’re hiding! “she said out loud.

Daniel the Destroyerl beamed. “She’s great, isn’t she? The best. Nobody is better at healthcare than Marla, my second cousin once removed. Lots of People are saying it.” The king, smiling and scratching his head, added, “I saw it on Confuse News last night!”

His Secretary of Defense, Colonel Brutus Mank, had only one policy: abandoning alliances. “Why do we need allies when we have strength?” he barked in Cabinet meetings. “Europe? Bunch of weaklings. NATO? A daycare for socialists. Russia a Useful Ally!” Mank mumbled.

Daniel, always eager to look powerful, nodded along. “I’ve always said that. You all know I’ve always said that. And I even said it better.”

He hadn’t. But that never stopped him from claiming personal victories.

Foreign relations took an immediate and calamitous turn. When an ally dared to question his decision to withdraw from an important treaty, Daniel stormed out of the meeting and tweeted, Loser nations need to stop being jealous. America will now be renamed to America PLUS! Best America yet! Let’s see next I will privatize the Post Office, let them try to make money.”

His grip on reality was tenuous, but his grip on self-delusion was ironclad. When a journalist working for CBA Press played a recording of him saying, “I think hurricanes are a hoax invented by weather people,” Daniel scoffed. “Fake audio. Probably made by my enemies. Rigged, very rigged.”

“But you’re on video saying it.”

“That’s AI. Dangerous stuff. Many people are saying it.”

“And these are your own words.”

“Disgraceful. You’ll pay for this. You’ll all pay.”

The next morning, King Daniel the Destroyer rescinded CBA News from the White House Castle. “Free speech is fine except when you disagree with me,” Daniel the Destroyer warned in a tweet on the XYZ Platform, his favorite place to rant.

Despite his best efforts to turn the country into his kingdom, cracks began to form. His devoted inner circle grew tired of constantly proving their loyalty. Some, exhausted from sleepless nights spent inventing praise, began secretly meeting to discuss… alternatives.

It was the Secretary of Agriculture, of all people, who set the wheels in motion. One night, after another exhausting Cabinet meeting spent debating whether Daniel’s name should replace America on maps, she whispered to a colleague, “This can’t last. He thinks wheat is a conspiracy.”

Momentum built. Leaks increased. The military, embarrassed and irritated, stopped following his erratic orders. When Daniel demanded tanks be sent to Washington to “show strength,” the generals simply said, “Sure,” and then did absolutely nothing.

The cracks widened. His most devoted supporters, sensing the shifting winds, began to hedge their bets. Senator Figg, once the loudest cheerleader of Daniel’s rule, suddenly remembered he had a deep reverence for democracy. “I was always skeptical,” he told reporters. “I was just following orders—uh, I mean, I was doing my duty to the nation.”

His former allies distanced themselves, muttering excuses. “King? No, we never called him that. He called himself that. We always respected the Constitution.”

Meanwhile, Daniel’s paranoia intensified. He ordered loyalty tests, demanding every official sign an oath declaring him the Eternal Leader of the Glorious Nation. Those who hesitated were promptly labeled Enemies of the People. The opposition party, long useless, finally began to stir, if only because their livelihoods were now at stake.

Daniel the Destroyer then issued an executive order that condemned any people who publicly displayed disloyalty to be beheaded using an old guillotine stored in the basement of the Nation’s History Museum on the Mall. Now there would be public executions on the White House Lawn.

Then came the final straw. Daniel, convinced of his divine destiny, declared a new holiday—Daniel Day—in which citizens were required to participate in a national parade singing his praises. “Not optional,” he reminded them in a rambling, barely coherent address. “Tremendous holiday. Huge! Everybody will love it. We’re making history here. Mandatory history.”

It was too much. The judiciary, sick of his nonsense, finally acted. The Supreme Court ruled that the Danielstitution was invalid, that his self-appointed rule was unconstitutional, and that he was to be removed immediately.

The coup, when it came, was not violent. It was simply the world deciding it had enough. A judge, immune to Daniel’s bluster, ruled against him. The courts overturned his self-appointment. And the moment it became clear that Daniel was powerless, his party vanished like rats from a sinking ship.

In a final, desperate act, he tried to declare victory. “I won! This is a tremendous success!” he insisted as he was escorted from the palace.

He tried everything. Pleading, blaming, raging, threatening, even crying. None of it worked. His most loyal advisors suddenly developed selective amnesia. “Who? Daniel? I hardly knew him,” they muttered to the press. His name was scrubbed from official records.

The country, battered but intact, exhaled. Democracy had survived, but barely. The damage? Considerable. The reputation? Shattered. But as people gathered in the streets, celebrating the return of elections, one phrase rang out above the rest:

“Not Again Please.” The minority insisted on being polite.

And somewhere, in a gilded bunker, Daniel plotted his comeback.

“2028,” he whispered to himself. “It’ll be huge.” As he faded away never again seen in public. Where he went, nobody knows. Perhaps it is time for a new religion formed around Daniel the Destroyer; perhaps we’ll call it Danielism, loosely based on Ayn Rand’s Objectivism. Why not, that is the model of government that flourished for 45 years after 1980 in the nation. If you have an extra four billion dollars lying around, we’ll build a new cathedral and seminary to train the leaders of Danielism for the future of the new Church.

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